‘Child That Belongs Over There’: Coping With Cultural Biases Against Working Women

 

“Our relatives are visiting us next week and we cannot keep it a secret anymore,” my husband said to me. Our big secret: I had started working outside the home four months ago. I had taken a job at a preschool, but we had kept it to ourselves. Sound strange? Here is why we kept it quiet: My family is from India. I had a toddler at home. As an Indian woman from a conservative family, I knew that raising children and homemaking is what was expected of me. It is simply not OK for your little one to be raised by others while you worked.

 A typical conservative Indian woman has no backing from men in any stage of her life when it comes to a job, let alone a career. Fathers — and mothers — encourage their daughters to go to school and finish college, as having college credentials is deemed prestigious. In our language (Telugu), a girl is called “aadapilla,” which literally translates to “child that belongs over there.” That means she does not belong “over here,” in her home — she belongs in her husband’s home! Most of the Indian society leads parents to believe that they will have a tough time getting their daughter married if she is working. Hence, parents typically do not support their daughters’ starting a job; their entire focus is on getting her married.

 Husbands usually think the same way. While there are Indian men who are supportive of their wives’ careers, most are not. Some husbands worry about society’s perception that their wife is working because they are not making enough money. Others believe that they should care for their wife, and letting her work is not caring for her. Yet others feel insecure that their wives will have to interact with other men at work. And of course, there are the lazy ones who do not like the fact that when their wives work, they must pitch in on the unpaid responsibilities of a home.

 In-laws do not like their daughters-in-law having a job, as the norm in most Indian families is that daughters-in-law take care of parents-in-law. Last, Indian sons are supposed to take care of their mothers as they get older, and therefore will not allow their mothers to work.

 Hence, a woman from a conservative family usually loses out on having a career her entire life.

 My family’s support

My dad did his doctorate in Canada and research in U.S., before returning to India, marrying my mother, and having me. His exposure to the western thinking changed some of his ideas about daughters. As I finished my dual degrees in hotel management and education, I was lucky to have his support to start a career working in the hotel industry in Delhi. However, within a year, society took over. As I was the “aadapilla,” society pressured my dad to give in, and I was married.

 My husband also comes from a conservative family. During the initial days of our marriage, it was amusing to hear his family discuss ways to convince me that home economics would have been a similar, but better, field of study for me instead of hotel management —  as it would have helped me as a homemaker.

Soon after, I moved to the U.S. with my husband. When we had our firstborn, my career in hotel management was a thing of the past. My husband made enough, so it was assumed by our families (and us) that I didn’t need a job. But then we observed that our toddler loved the company of other toddlers. It took a bit of convincing, and my husband agreed that it would benefit our son if I worked in his preschool using my education credentials.

 But we decided to keep it a secret.

Working Women Around the World

Some interesting statistics: According to India’s Ministry of Human Resources Development, 53% of undergraduate degrees, 70% of graduate degrees, and 42% of doctorates were awarded to women in 2018-19. Yet only 24% of women worked, compared with 79% of men.

In Mitali Nikore’s essay “Where Are India’s Working Women,” in the Times of India, she writes that women’s participation in the labor force was a mere 18% in 2017-18, and it is at the lowest it has ever been in India since its independence in 1947. Nikore states that women have largely been taking labor-intensive, home-based work, concentrated in low-productivity sectors. In urban environments, the societal pressure pushes women to seek only “respectable” jobs that serve society such as teachers and nurses. Nikore adds that women are usually considered to be secondary income earners and drop out of the labor force when the family income increases, to make the family proud that the male members are the only providers of the family.

On a global scale, even though women make up nearly 50% of the world’s population, the percentage of the total female labor force in the world is only 39% (in the U.S., the figure is 46%). According to the World Bank, 104 countries in the world have labor laws that prevent women from working in certain sectors such as agriculture, mining, energy, transportation, construction, and water. In 18 countries, husbands can legally stop their wives from working, writes Johnny Wood in an article on the World Economic Forum website.

A mind-blowing fact presented by FINCA (Foundation for International Community Assistance): In some countries, women must get permission from their husbands before pursuing a job.

According to the World Bank, only six countries — Belgium, Denmark, France, Latvia, Luxemburg, and Sweden — give men and women equal rights when it comes to work, writes Daniele Selby in a piece headlined “How women are shut out of the global workforce,” published in Global Citizen. In these countries, men and women are entitled to the same legal protections against sexual harassment in the workplace, equal pay is mandated, and both parents have the right to take paid parental leave. Selby reports: “Women in Bhutan and Pakistan can’t sign their own names to take the steps necessary to start their own businesses, like registering a company or getting a loan. Instead, they are legally required to sign these documents with their fathers’ or husbands’ names.” Selby further adds that in many countries, when women attempt to break away from the norm of staying at home, they are often subject to verbal and emotional abuse and domestic violence from family members — just for wanting to go to work!

Some countries, including Iran, require husbands to legally sign a document stating that they are allowing their wives to work.

According to the McKinsey Global Institute, notes Selby, if countries enable gender equality of women — free them to pursue their dreams and become financially independent — we can add $12 trillion to the global economy by 2025.

“Just a Job”

Coming back to my story, our little secret reveal was many years ago. I promised that I would not ignore my little one or my family and that it was “just a job.” Over the years, I faced much criticism from some of our family and friends. I was told that I was too proud to live on my husband’s income and repeatedly reminded of my duties as a homemaker. I was ridiculed when I had to travel for a conference and was told it was “unnecessary” when I put in long hours for a product launch or to do the balance sheet for my small business. My work life got interwoven with raising children, being a supportive wife, taking care of elders and extended family, helping them through tough times like illnesses, cancer, divorce and even a heart transplant. At times, I felt like a trapeze artist performing a balancing act, frightened and looking down for that invisible wire that held me up. I had to constantly remind myself to keep weaving my career journey.

I was lucky, though, to have a lot of support from some of my family members. My mother was one of my strongest supporters. Having never worked in her life, despite being highly educated, she would leap with joy when she saw me dressed to give a presentation or even just to go to work. She helped take care of my young sons when I was at work. With her support and my dad’s encouragement, I went back to school to earn a graduate degree and other certifications to further my education and skills. My husband has been very encouraging, offering guidance and support. I have often found him chuckling to himself and taking pictures of me dressed in traditional attire on festival days as I worked away on client presentations or pivot tables. I have also been lucky to have fantastic mentors, hiring managers and supervisors who provided opportunities and stress-free environments with flexible hours and shorter days when needed so I could perform the duties expected of a dutiful Indian woman.

Finally, there came a day when I realized all my persistence had paid off.

My family and I moved to India for a few years and I took up a job as corporate communications manager for a technological company. As a spokesperson for the company, I had a lot of interactions with the media on one of our products, SatGuide, a GPS navigation system, a new concept taking off in India at that time. One Sunday morning, a local news channel televised an interview with me about SatGuide on its famous technological products segment. As the same people who admonished me for pursuing a career stared at me in disbelief and awe for being interviewed on television, I brushed off the attention with a slight smile, saying that it was “just a job.”

Since then, I have been pursuing my love for communications and marketing with support from family. When the women in our family who never worked outside the home approach me for career advice, I suggest they volunteer to get the experience or go back to school to refresh their skills. I have urged other women succumbing to demands of family to have honest conversations with their employers about their situation to find a solution. I have also been successful in persuading a few of my male colleagues to let go of their conservative thinking and to be supportive of their wife’s career ambitions.

“How can we help in your journey?”

My experience reflects the culture in which I was raised, but women all over face obstacles to contributing all that they can. In some cultures, the obstacles are more blatant; in others they are more subtle. But I strongly believe that for every woman denied an opportunity to work and fulfill her dream, we may have lost a cure for cancer or a vaccine, or a world leader or an astounding marketer, or a superb salesperson or an outspoken congresswoman or a vice president, thus enabling the loss of female empowerment and a stronger society overall. Let us be conscious and simply ask, “How can we help in your journey?”

My reasons to write about this are twofold:

·         First, to make women aware of our own biases built into our cultures — so that we don’t hold ourselves back and give up on our dreams/career aspirations. I am hoping this awareness will spark discussions within our families and communities.

·         Second, to make organizations cognizant of the “behind the scenes” struggles that some women face, be they cultural or other barriers. There are simple measures companies can take to alleviate this pressure — offering flexible work options, work-from-home policies where applicable, extended maternity leave and childcare on premises if possible. I also encourage employers to offer volunteer opportunities for those seeking to learn and to provide appropriate resources, and training to ensure the success of all women.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read through my story. Please let me know your thoughts, how you have addressed cultural biases, and if you would like to open discussion on any barriers that are holding you back.